You too can have a muffin top

Ah, the muffin top – the jiggly inner-tube of skin and fat that sits atop ones waistline and grows exponentially during unemployment. If you are jobless due to a layoff and interested in growing your own friendly little muffin top to keep you company during the long lonely days of job searching, below is my recipe. Enjoy!

• 1 pair of low waist jeans
• 1 pair of level 1 house pants
• 1 month supply of woman’s PMS (optional)
• 6 c pink-slip
• 6 c shock, anger and resentment
• 6 c booze (your choice; beer seems to add bulk quickly)
• 3 c economic recession
• 2 c bills
• 1 c stress and anxiety
• 1/2 c sleep deprivation
• 6 c comfort foods – chocolate, chips, etc.
• 1/4 c exercise

Upon receipt of your pink-slip, your body temperature will naturally increase slightly due to stress. Once it reaches 100 degrees, drop the pink-slip into a large bowl (toilet bowl suggested) and beat aggressively with shock, anger, resentment, economic recession, stress, anxiety and bills for about 2 weeks until the pink-slip mixture begins to percolate. Once it’s active, introduce booze and sleep deprivation over the course of one week until the mixture forms a tranquil pond of goo. DO NOT ADD EXERCISE JUST YET. For maximum puff factor in your muffin top, it’s imperative that these negative energies co-mingle long enough to successfully interact with the remaining ingredients. 

Over the next week or two, add in the remaining ingredients starting first with the comfort foods alternating as chocolate-salt-grease-chocolate-salt-grease until the mixture starts to rise over the course of another two weeks. If you have access to a woman’s PMS, add that now for the extra bloat factor. Once you feel that the pink-slip mixture has enough puff, begin to introduce exercise starting first with sit-ups to really build up the muscle underneath the fat. This will create that cute little jiggle in your finished muffin top.

Drop the mixture into your house pants and bake in bed overnight. That next morning, zip yourself into your low waist jeans and Mr. Muffin Top will appear. Be sure to wear a short shirt and show him off to everyone you know. My muffin top responds positively to zerberts* and enjoys long walks in the park.