Pink-slipped impulse purchase prevention plan

After the midday happy hour with the pink-slip pals the other day, I thought it would be a good idea to run to the grocery store to pick up a few things on my “mental grocery list” so that I could make the veggie lasagna I’d seen in Cooking Light. Unfortunately, the only thing lasagna related that found its way into my basket were a few cans of stewed tomatoes and ricotta that were discovered upon check-out hiding under the below items:

• 6-pack of Miller Lite tall boys (seems I am turning into a bachelor with this purchase…)
• a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs (oh wait, bachelors rarely crave chocolate so turns out I’m OK!)
• a bottle of wine (Black Diamond Shiraz on a continuous special at Safeway for $6.98 – YUM!)

You know, grocery stores should really start screening people at the door, especially in this economy, asking questions like:

1. “Are you hungry right this minute?” If people answer “yes” they are immediately pulled aside, pinned down and force fed some sort of scooby snack to prevent them from buying the above said necessities. 
2. “Are you possibly buzzed?” If so, “shame on you for operating heavy machinery and step away from the shopping cart. Into the holding pen for you and while you wait here to sober your ass up, can I offer you a triple tall peppermint mocha and a bag of Cheetos?”
3. “Are you jobless, recently laid off?” If they say ”yes,” use caution when approaching. It’s very likely they are going through the 5 steps of forced socialization and looking to chat it up with anyone who looks like easy prey. It’s easy to spot the newly unemployed - they might be wearing a Snuggie with level 4 house pants.  After greeting these people, I’d suggest that you compassionately invite them into the holding pen of #2 above. Or, if the pen is full of the jobless that passed before, just smile kindly and hand this person a coupon book.

While I can see that this line of questioning might not be in the store’s best interest, I still think it should be implemented on behalf of the pink-slipped in Seattle. For the jobless and hopeless, it does a two things:

1. it greatly reduces the number of stray food items (comfort foods) that find their way into our shopping carts. This ultimately saves us money and reduces the number of lonely nights spent eating chocolate and drinking beer for dinner because the food budget’s blown on empty calories that fill the emotional emptiness inside.
2. this screening also forces socialization for the lonely jobless person, making them feel as if they can still make friends, even if they wander into the store wearing a Snuggie.

After all, the jobless, hopeless and pink-slipped people own lots of house pants, rarely shower and have all the time in the world to keep guests of your store entertained. So, if you think about it, this plan is mutually beneficial.