5 steps to forced socialization

What is it? It’s exactly what it says - forcing yourself to get out of the house and interact with other humans vs. sitting inside all day feeling like an unemployed loser. Here are the steps to making that happen:

1. You start by peeling yourself out of the fleece Snuggie. While it is very cozy, you cannot leave your house wearing that thing or you will find it difficult to make friends. They may think you are an escapee from an insane asylum and that’s bad.
2. Choose to actually WASH your hair. Don’t just throw on a hat or spritz your hair with a dry shampoo like Psssssst to cover up the 2-day grease. Be considerate to the people you are about to run into and remember – you are trying to blend in like the other employed humans who wash their hair frequently.
3. Choose to put on a pair of level 5 house pants or higher. Higher than level 5 would be jeans, but if you no longer fit into those because parts of you have tripled in size during unemployment, then level 5 house pants are acceptable for public consumption. Also note that when when you are wearing this caliber of house pants or higher, you can also pretend that you are simply running errands on your “day off” before heading to the gym like any other employed person would do. You are a very efficient multi-tasker and people with these skills are usually employable!
4. Very important – brush your teeth people – do not just pop in a piece of gum! While your animals may enjoy your filth, this is a socialization effort and therefore you must try to blend in if you want to make human contact!  
5. And finally, equip yourself with things to make you appear very busy just in case your forced socialization efforts fail and you are rejected by these humans. At all times, you should probably be packin’ at least two of the following items: PDA, MP3 player, laptop, book, newspaper, pen and paper, and cell phone.

Hope you found this helpful. I must give props to a good friend of mine, a Croatian goddess, herself a victim of this declining economy, who coined the phrase ”forced socialization” and told me about ”Psssssst” dry shampoo.