So…hello? I have my first job after not having a job for an entire year and a half! Holy shit – eek! Eek in a good way though because I finally get to start my career!  Weeeee!!!!!!!!!!

But, this post isn’t really about porn, sorry fellas. It’s about me being a fucking yoyo. I’m up. I’m down. I’m up. I’m down. Seriously, I am fucking ridiculous right now. I feel like I’ve become bipolar thanks to unemployment. And the decision to change careers – whose brilliant idea was that? Oh yeah, MINE! But which me? Which personality of the day made that decision? Was it the confident Keri, who occiassionally sports big balls of steel? Or was it the pie-in-the-sky Keri, who has visions of sugarplums dancing in her head? (Brother Paul, don’t you dare answer that!)

To go from making $80k a year before the layoff to making a little over $2k a month on unemployment has been challenging in and of itself. (FYI…I don’t normally talk about my salary, but this info was made public in the Seattle Times piece so here it is again.) But, now that I’m starting to look for jobs in the massage field as the very green Kermit the Frog, I’m starting to see a whole new reality. The new reality being that I’m probably not going to make much more than what I’m making on unemployment!  WTF?

So now I can’t help but ask the question – why would I get a job? In fact, this blogger seems to be doing just fine on unemployment – I think he’s working on year three if you can believe that! He, of course, doesn’t have a mortgage so maybe he’s not as mentally fucked up as I am about finances. And, I don’t think he’s trying to change careers like me, which adds another level of stressball to the equation. Although, I guess in a way, every unemployed person changed careers. We went from being employed to being unemployed. Hmm…interesting. So I’ve actually made THREE career changes in one year. From a consumer PR manager to lady of leisure to licensed massage practitioner. Wow, I am in-fucking-credible! Look at all I’ve accomplished in a year’s time?!?!

God I really have A.D.D., don’t I? Anyway – I obviously need a job. I need two actually – one to pay my mortgage (massage job) and one to pay the other bills and feed my face while I develop my craft. So, I am officially looking for a part-time corporate marketing job. I know I said I’d never go back, but seems financially I have to until my massage practice takes off. 

Ok so now the big question: who wants to hire this lady of leisure for part-time marketing/project management work, knowing that a desk job isn’t my passion? This should be interesting…sigh.

Now for those of you who aren’t in the massage world, touching your future boss in an interview (other than the pre/post interview handshake) may seem strange, but for LMPs it’s part of the deal. And, not only is it part of the deal, but you may need to treat a condition such as low back or hamstring pain which requires you to touch one very important body part – your future boss’ glutes.  That’s right…his glutes, his butt, whatever you want to call it, we get to work on it. Lucky me, right? The good thing is that when you are an LMP, you become immune to the fact that it’s a butt and it just becomes a set of muscles that need some work. 

Now let’s talk briefly about nerves and how they play out in a practical massage interview. First and foremost, your hands are going to shake, which is something your future boss will certainly feel during the first 10-15 minutes of the practical massage. Everyone gets nervous in interviews, so this is usually over-looked. The other thing you have to do is be able to answer tough questions WHILE you are massaging away. These are not usually the type of questions an average client might ask either. They are chiropractor-generated questions, ones that you may not know the answer too.

So, here you are…a new LMP massaging away, hands shaking, sweat forming above your brow (or in my case, also on my shins)…massaging…massaging away…la la la…doing your best to track what parts you’ve already worked on, where you’re headed next, trying not to forget one arm or hand or leg…while also trying to plan out the next impressive “massage move”…all the while, watching to clock to be sure that you’re still ok for time….then, the question hits and you realize that you’ve never had to answer such a question so you start to sweat more profusely and your brain starts scanning the recesses of your memory bank for the answer…all the while, massaging, massaging away, trying not to look completely petrified…trying to maintain good body mechanics, relaxed hands and posture…trying not to drip sweat on your future boss…la la la…wee wee wee…wee…wee..wee…NOT!!

There is nothing relaxing about massage interviews…I am here to tell you!!! But, I have to be kind to myself and remember that I just finished school and I’m starting a brand new career. I shouldn’t expect to have the skills of an LMP that’s been practicing for 5+ years – I am not there yet, but one day I hope to be. However, Kermit sure was right…it’s not easy being green…!

At least this Ambien go-round I realized it was just a hallucination, unlike my first experience where I hid under my covers in sheer terror as I watched the demonic house fan shoot laser beams out his eyes from the end of my bed! That wasn’t fun, but the green frog actually kept me fully entertained for about 30 minutes until I decided that I’d better just pass out given that I had my first massage job interview that next day. 

Anyway, I don’t really know what’s in those pills, but they can’t be doing good things to my brain if I’m tripping out on green frogs and demonic fans so I guess I’ll have to find another solution for my sleeplessness. Sigh.

Whatever it is, I sense I’ve become a little boring and I need to rediscover my “funny bone.” So, I’ve decided that I need to start blogging again on a regular basis because creative writing for me, while it’s often self-deprecating, is important and something I used to enjoy. Now, I can’t guarantee that what I write about moving forward will have much to do about unemployment, mostly because I am about to be in a different boat (provided the I get my license from the Department of Health and land a massage job), but I am gonna write which is all that matters. So, stay tuned…I am back in action…I think…

So yes, I am a little depressed, overwhelmed, scared as shit and frustrated. I’ve lost a lot of momentum post graduation, but I am determined to do ONE thing every day that gets me ready for the day I get my license in the mail. Things like finishing my cover letter and resume, emailing or calling down the list of industry contracts that were referred to me by friends and family, and of course trying to massage friends and family (for free mind you!!) so that I maintain the skills learned in school. It’s exhausting, but it’s a good lesson in perseverance and determination and I hope to hell it pays off with a great job at the end of the day. Fingers crossed.

Now back to the story. Today marks the official year anniversary of my pink-slip from Microsoft. It’s unbelievable to me that an entire 365 days has passed since I last stepped foot inside an office building. Truely incredible. I dont’ really miss it to be perfectly honest. Yes, I do miss the paychecks but I’m pretty content so far in with my decision – it feels like a better fit for me. And, if it’s not, I guess I can always put the PR/Marketing hat back on if necessary until I figure out my next move.

What’s good about everything that’s happened this past year is that it’s given me a new perspective on life. My new motto is “laugh more, bitch less.” I’m also fully supportive of people switching careers. I think it keeps life interesting and taking risks is the only way to open new doors. I was so fearful before I decided to go to school to change careers and now I’m like “Why was I so scared? Nothing bad happened. I didn’t die and isn’t death the worst thing that could happen?” I also learned a TON of cool stuff about the human body – pathology, kinesiology, physiology – we are amazing creatures people, amazing!

Probably most important though is what I learned about myself through all of this. I am a resiliant risk-taker who’s resourceful, despite what I thought previously when I was bouncing around in the limbo-land of unemployment that bred insecurity. Oh and guess what else? Turns out I have a brain and I’m pretty damn smart. Yes, I will try not to sprain my arm patting myself on the back here. But hey – I’m proud of myself. What’s so wrong with that? It’s ok to tell yourself “good job” every once in awhile. Just celebrating my accomplishment. Back hair – here I come

“I’m so thrilled to be back to my old tricks,” says Mr. Muffin Top.  “Me and Mr. House Pants are really cleaning up on all the holiday goodies this year!  We work really well as a team – Mr. House Pants has tons of stretch, as does my face – so together we really make a hell of a Muffin Top! We are surely going to get a 4.0 on that annual review…wonder if Keri Corp. will be handing out any bonuses in 2010?” 

Mr. Muffin Top's badge photo

Here’s Mr. Muffin Top’s corporate badge photo ID.  And yes, that’s MY art…and no I’m not going to art school, so don’t worry! ha!

1. Send them a card that says one of the following:

• “Got  job? Buy yourself something nice from me this holiday season.” Then ask them to send you a “thank you” card expressing their gratitude for your generousity considering the circumstances.  
• Tell them you made a donation in their name to the Human Fund.
Ask them for donations to “The Keri [or insert your name here] Fund.” To really tug at the heartstrings, be sure to include a photo of you looking extremely pathetic.
If they can’t give you money, ask for airline mile donations to support your cause.
And if someone is a real jerk-face, then their card should read: “Happy holidays you job-holding prick.”

2. If they really expect a gift, below are some ideas:

• Re-gift! Send them something that’s been collecting dust in your house.
• If you can’t find anything in your house, check out Kashless.org  to see what other people are giving away for free.
• A gift of coal inside a stocking is always fun.
• Make your own Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo using Tootsie Rolls! I got a homemade Mr. Hankey one year from a cousin and laughed my ass off!
• If someone is a real dirt-bag, send them real poo disguised as Almond Roca. I have some top shelf cat shit for sale from Louis Feline the III for $0.99 a log! What a bargain!