After 9 months of mandatory Muffin Top Reduction Program training, Mr. Muffin top was recently re-instated at Keri Corporation after being pink-slipped earlier this year. In addition to his reinstatement, he also got a promotion to King of Tops expanding his role to oversee the consumption of any and all signs of chocolate around the office and movement of said materials into a south-central storage facility above the Belt-Pant corridor.
“I’m so thrilled to be back to my old tricks,” says Mr. Muffin Top. “Me and Mr. House Pants are really cleaning up on all the holiday goodies this year! We work really well as a team – Mr. House Pants has tons of stretch, as does my face – so together we really make a hell of a Muffin Top! We are surely going to get a 4.0 on that annual review…wonder if Keri Corp. will be handing out any bonuses in 2010?”
Mr. Muffin Top's badge photo
Here’s Mr. Muffin Top’s corporate badge photo ID. And yes, that’s MY art…and no I’m not going to art school, so don’t worry! ha!
If you’re unemployed, I’m sure that most of your friends and family won’t be expecting a gift from you this holiday season, but if you’re worried about this happening, then below are some ideas to help you tell them where they can go this holiday season. Damn…it’s a real bummer that the State of Washington doesn’t give holiday bonuses..ha!
1. Send them a card that says one of the following:
2. If they really expect a gift, below are some ideas:
- Re-gift! Send them something that’s been collecting dust in your house.
- If you can’t find anything in your house, check out Kashless.org to see what other people are giving away for free.
- A gift of coal inside a stocking is always fun.
- Make your own Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo using Tootsie Rolls! I got a homemade Mr. Hankey one year from a cousin and laughed my ass off!
- If someone is a real dirt-bag, send them real poo disguised as Almond Roca. I have some top shelf cat shit for sale from Louis Feline the III for $0.99 a log! What a bargain!
flashcard hell
I know – I’ve been neglecting my peeps, but not on purpose. I was being bludgeoned to death this entire past week by flashcards studing my ass off for midterms. No joke. Here’s a photo. Every single one of these flashcards has seen the inside of my brain at least a dozen or more times, but sadly there seems to be an issue with seepage. Maybe if I try plugging one ear, I will actually retain what’s on the flashcards!
So…now you can cut me some slack for not blogging, right? Oh and let me remind you that there is a tip jar on my site so if you really want to motivate this busy unempludent to blog more often, maybe you can spare a dime ;).
Off to buy more flashcards!
There aren’t too many email forwards that are forward-worthy in my opinion, but this one made me laugh pretty hard so I’ve decided to start a category on my site just for great email forwards. Enjoy!
Important Women’s Health Issue:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by the world?
Do you suffer from shyness or awkwardness in some situations?
Do you feel tired and overworked?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you’re ready and willing to
do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost
immediately and with a regimen of
regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living
the life you want to live. Shyness and
awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had.
Stop suffering and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant,
nursing, watching the Home Shopping Network, or meeting their lover’s
parents for the first time should not use Margaritas. However, women who
got ahold of their ex-husband’s credit card or wouldn’t mind becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
– Dizziness
– Nausea
– Vomiting
– The inability to modulate the volume of your voice
– Incarceration
– Erotic lustfulness
– Loss of motor control
– Loss of clothing
– Loss of money
– Loss of virginity
– Table dancing
– Headache
– Dehydration
– Dry mouth
– And a desire to sing Karaoke or grab the microphone out of Taylor
Swift’s hand while she is excepting a VMA.
WARNINGS:
– The consumption of Margaritas may make you think that you can solve
everyone’s problems.
– The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
– The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
– The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing
really good.
– The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members
of the opposite sex without spitting.
– The consumption of Margaritas may make you think your ex-lover wants to
hear from you at 3:00 a.m.
– The consumption of Margaritas may make you think that the bathroom
floor is a good place to lie down.
Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.
Photo of me from week one of class and a little song from childhood to go with it. And yes, my frontal bone feels like it’s about to explode. Enjoy!
Your toe bone connected to your foot bone,
Your foot bone connected to your ankle bone,
Your ankle bone connected to your leg bone,
Your leg bone connected to your knee bone,
Your knee bone connected to your thigh bone,
Your thigh bone connected to your hip bone,
Your hip bone connected to your back bone,
Your back bone connected to your shoulder bone,
Your shoulder bone connected to your neck bone,
Your neck bone connected to your head bone
If this is my brain working, then what the hell has my brain been doing the past ten + years? Tomorrow is the end of week three and I am still floored at the pace and volume of information being crammed into my head. Before I became an unempludent, I had a hard time remembering my name. I’d bounce around A.D.D. style between emails, job-searches and house pants inventories wondering who left my refrigerator open while I answered the phone.
Now that I’m a student, I actually have to remember things – important things – or I flunk. My new bounce-pattern is from my bed, to school and back to my house where I sit for the rest of the evening with my head in one of six large text books, highlighting feverishly and wishing that the highlighter would magically turn into book-to-brain-UPC-bar-code-scanner-of-sorts that directly fed the information into my brain so that I didn’t have to go through the futile process of making flashcards. Flashcards that I was now too tired to review and upon review, only help me retain 50-60% of the information.
There’s also the part of recalling the information once it’s finally made it’s way into my brain. The older you get, the harder it is to pull shit out of the memory banks! I can remember small things from childhood, but I can’t remember what I just read the night before. This is a case of C.A.M., according to a classmate of mine who’s 48. Can’t Access Memory, which doesn’t mix well with my CRS (Can’t Remember Shit) disease that I caught during unemployment!
So yes, this is my brain on school. I have very little time to spend with friends, family or my poor boyfriend (who as of tomorrow will officially be a Lord of Leisure himself ), but I feel that I’m getting the hang of it and know it will all be worth the effort in the end.
Hmm..it seems that Fall is here..it’s freaking chilly outside! When did all this happen? What’s going on? I feel so disconnected with the outside world because of school. Well, I guess it’s time to retire my flip flops and tank tops, turn the heat on and pull the sweaters and boots out of hibernation! Ah…there are so many things I am going to miss about this past Summer. Things like:
- Water aerobics at Colman Pool with my unemployed friends. Nothing better than being outside in a salt water pool on an 80 degree day splashing around like a fool with water-wings!
- Harvesting my garden – lettuce, peppers, blueberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, basil - damn there’s nothing like homegrown produce!
- White sangria and midday unemployed happy hours.
- Not wearing house pants.
- Living life in flip-flops and house shorts.
- The long summer days and warm summer nights.
- Being outside all day long.
- BBQing every night for dinner.
- My warm sunny 4-mile walk along Alki.
- Not studying for school.
And now for all the things I’m looking forward to this Fall:
- Snow Patrol concert.
- Halloween so I can sport my Stoven.
- Thanksgiving so I can stuff my gourd.
- Christmas, even though I can’t buy gifts this year.
- Finishing my 1st term.
- My winter break in January.
- My birthday (even though I’m getting older, I know I’m effin’ wiser and more educated so there’s something to celebrate!)
- Finishing 2nd term.
- Graduation.
- Passing a national exam.
My winter looks really dull compared to my Summer, doesn’t it? Oh well – it’s only 7 months of my life. It could be worse. I could be stuck in a cube watching my soul get sucked right out of my body.
Peace out,. Back to my books.
“Thank god it’s Friday!” I thought this phrase was only part of the employed species’ vocabulary until I became an unempludent. Unemployed people rarely use the TGIF phrase because when the weekend comes, what are they really relaxing from? But when you add the student bit into the unemployment equation and replace lady of leisure “funemployment” activities with new unempludent activities (like long lectures and memorization of a bazillion new terms that you can’t even pronounce), come Friday the unempludent’s brain is ready to burst.
So yes, I’ve survived the first week of school with very few bumps and bruises, but I’ve got a long way to go. So much information has been covered in just the first week of school that I can’t imagine trying to cram anything else into my wee little pea brain. All those brain cells of mine that have been slumbering like a bear for more than a decade were rudely awakened, but it’s nice to know that brain cells do come back to life. It’s also nice to finally see a path instead of a brick wall as far as my career goes.
Anyway – more to come next week – just needed to make sure everyone knew I was still alive. TGI-effin’-F!
After close to 6 months of flat out unemployment, I’ve finally made a decision to enroll in school and classes start Monday. I’m going to start calling myself an “unempludent,” which is my own made up word for an unemployed student because the Urban Dictionary doesn’t seem to have a word that defines someone like me.
Why this decision? My ladder’s been leaning against the wrong wall for some time now, so I finally decided to do something about my discontent rather than stay on a career track that doesn’t fulfill me.
What does this mean for you?Nothing. Now you will get to read stories about my life as an unempludent, which should be just as entertaining because I suffer from CRS (can’t remember shit) and much of the material that I’ll be learning the first term will require memorization.
What kind of schooling? I’m not tellin’ – at least not yet – so I guess if you’re curious enough, you’ll just have to stay tuned.
Um…I bought this little treasure last week at the store Pepper on Alki . Did I need it? No. Did I want it? Yes. Why? For a number of reasons.
Cookmor Keri
1) It was only $25 and I can guarantee that I will be the only one at this year’s Halloween party who comes as a stove with an oven that opens. Plus, I can put fun stuff in the oven!
2) The costume made me laugh, so much so I decided to wear my impulse purchase [the Cookmor Keri] out of the store and stroll 3 blocks along Alki. Turns out it also makes other people laugh and makes old men eating ice cream cones exclaim, “Hey you’re hot. I’d better not get too close or I’ll get burned!” It was a beautiful moment.
3) I can retire the idea of making my costume out of cardboard again this year. Although, one of my all-time favorite cardboard costumes was the fork with a hot-dog on top 
because it too (like my new stove/oven=stoven) was original and very silly. And, it makes people ask things like “what are you exactly?” when what you are is exactly what they’re looking at. I am a fork with a hot-dog on top; don’t read too much into it people!
- 4) I can give up the dream of owning a gorilla costume because now I have something that’s even better.
5) According to the designer/store owner, Pepper, the “stoven” was at this year’s Burning Man!
And so it seems that I’ve officially reached the costumed-crazy point of unemployment. I didn’t know this was possible, but apparently it is. Oh well. At least I’m still laughing! Maybe one of you can go out and find another appliance costume and we can start a club or something.
